The Dare: Eat 30 Apples in One Week...or was it Get a New
O-Ring? Can’t seem to remember.
I know this is a highly anticipated blog, not only from all
of our followers, but from the other bloggers as well. I know this, because I
get a text, a phone call, a fax, a facebook message, a tweet, or a post on the
wall daily. Heck, a pigeon even landed on my window the other day. Beep beep
beeeeep beep beep beep be be be beep bee beeeep beep beeeeep - that was Morse
Code for hurry up and get your blog done (the PG version, anyway). Yea, the fellow bloggers are pretty serious. Since it took so long to get the blog posted,
I have to walk to the tee box with my pants down. I guess I was "too
lazy" to get the blog done. (If by lazy, they mean I bought a house, went
to DC, moved in, painted every wall in the place, and still planning some
remodeling). But, now the blog is here.
Back to the dare. So, 30 apples in one week. Eating the
apples, I must say, was not the hardest part. The hardest part was finding the
time to work, eat apples, have a bowel
movement, and get to the grocery store to buy more apples...oh, and find
some more time for another bowel movement. I also had to do this challenge in
five days, not seven. Follow along to see if I completed this challenge.
Day 1
Monday – I go to work as usual and everything is fine and
dandy. Around noon, I took my lunch break and went to the grocery store to pick
up some apples to leave in our break room. I picked up a bag of nine green
apples. I don’t know names of apples so we will just call them green ones.
Anyway, back to the day - So, I return to work with a bag of apples. My manager
says, “What’s with all the apples?” I reply with, “We have an apple eating
contest to see if we can eat 30 apples in a week.” Most managers would probably
think that this is really stupid. Well, mine says, “Alright then, let me know
how it goes.”
So the bag had nine apples. I tackled four in one hour, then
had two bowel movements within the next hour. I finished three and a half
within the next hour and I was interrupted by a customer at 4:30, so I put half
of my apple down. How rude of someone to come in and sit down to talk shop when
they can clearly see I am busy - busy eating an apple and possibly turning
green. To finish my work day, I finished the last few bites of my now brown
apple to make sure I finished eight for the day. I then ran upstairs for my
final bowel movement of the work day. So, in case you weren't already keeping
track, apples to bowel movements are 8:3.
Break down of the day:
- 12:00pm -
1:00pm: Lunch, bought apples
- 1:00pm -
2:00pm: Ate 4 apples
- 2:00pm -
3:00pm: 2 bowel movements
- 3:00pm -
4:30pm: Ate 3.5 apples
- 5:00pm:
Ate .5 apples and had one bowel
movement
Total for the week = 8 Apples
Day 2
Tuesday - After a strong start to the challenge, this day
took a turn. I did not sleep well the night before due to an upset stomach. The
bowels weren’t going so well either - I’m just going to say it. I was a bit
plugged up. But, I had to push on. So, I went and grabbed my last apple out of
the bag and finished it. Felt good - back on the wagon and motivated to
continue. I waited for lunch to pick up another bag of apples. Lunch came, and
that’s what I did. Another nine apples
to finish for the day. I knew I needed to average about eight a day to be done
by Thursday. This day was a failure. Out of the nine new apples, I finished
three. This would only lead to trouble the rest of the week. Apples to Bowels
ratio for the day was 3:0.
Break down of the day:
- 8:30am -
Ate 1 apple
- 12:00pm -
Bought new apples
- 2:00pm -
3:00pm: Ate 2 apples
Total for the week = 11 Apples
Day 3: DOOMS DAY
Wednesday - Still plugged. I have to finish 11 apples to get
back on track to finish on Thursday. The day started with a company meeting and
me eating apples during the meeting. I don’t know if you know this, but apples
are kind of loud and there is never a garbage near you when you finish your
apple. I mean never. Try it next time - eat an apple, finish it, then look
around. Yep, you got it, no garbage. “Where’s the garbage?" Anyway, back
to the meeting. So, I finished two apples and three cups of coffee. Yep, great
idea during the meeting. Well, the stomach started to turn and I wasn’t sure if
I was going to make it back from the meeting site to my office, so I stopped at
a gas station to use the restroom. Went in and took a seat. Nothing. I sat
there for another minute or so and remembered some great words. “If you're not
going to shit, get off the pot,” so that’s what I did. My stomach started to
feel better, so I continued to eat apples. I was able to put down 13 apples
this day before heading home and had zero bowel movements. 13:0 ratio.
Break down of the day:
- 7:30am -
9:00am: Ate 2 apples
- 10:00am -
12:00pm: Ate 4 apples
- 12:00pm -
3:00pm: Ate 6 apples
- 3:00pm -
5:00pm: Ate 1 apple
Total for the week = 24 Apples
This evening was the worst. I finished 13 apples, had five
cups of coffee total for the day and then decided to go eat at a Chinese
buffet. Yea, I have a tattoo that says "Idiot" right on my rear end.
Anyway, I finished my meal and headed home. I am still plugged up from the
apples, but have Chinese gas powered food behind it marching away at 100 mph. I
really had no chance. I got home at about 6:00pm and left the bathroom around
8:30pm. Two days worth of relief going on in there. It was brutal. So, new
ratio of 13:9. (It was worth a 9).
Day 4
Thursday - Six apples to go. I was so looking forward to
being regular again. I thought I would pace myself this day - not because my
stomach was twisted a bit (it was), but because my rear end hurt so bad that
walking was a challenge in itself. By noon, I had one apple down but it took me
almost a whole hour to finish it. After 2:00pm, I finished two more. Then it
came - My stomach said, "Hey, you have an appointment. Now seems like a
good time to kick in." Unfortunately, I was with a customer. As I started
to talk faster to the customer, I realized that this was going to be a photo
finish. I finished with the customer, walked them out of my office, and turned
for the stairs. I made it to the third stair, and the customers says, “Hey,
quick question.” Damn, I was so close. Everything went blurry. I can’t tell you
what the customer said or what I said. I think I might have even spoke in Latin.
I didn’t wait for a response and went straight to the bathroom. BOOM - made it.
It was close. I then grabbed one more apple for the road. I was able to put
down four apples and one had one bowel movement for the day. 4:1 ratio.
Break down of the day:
- 10:00am - 12:00pm: Ate 1 apple
- 2:00pm -
4:30pm: Ate 2 apples
- 3:00pm -
3:30pm: Bowel movement
- 5:15pm:
Ate 1 apple
Total for the week = 28 Apples
Day 5
Friday - I didn’t finish the 30 by Thursday as I planned.
But 28 wasn't too bad and only having to eat two this day would be do-able. I
stopped at the gas station to pick up my last two green apples. I finished the
first one before work and felt pretty darn good. Lunch came around, and I
finished my second. Done. Victory. Relief. Satisfaction. It felt good to say I
completed the 30 apples in a week. I had one bowel movement, but wasn’t bad at
all, so that was nice. So, I finished two apples and had one bowel movement.
2:1 ratio.
Break down of the day:
- 8:30am:
Ate 1 apple
- 10:00am: Bowel movement
- Noon:
Ate 1 apple - VICTORY!
Total for the week = 30 Apples
Final ratio 30:14
I did not eat the whole core, like my other colleagues, but
I had a rough go around with this and felt like I didn’t need to challenge
myself anymore. I may also want to mention that I was homeless during this
whole process, so finding restrooms was a bit difficult. I also apologize to
the kind friends that let me stay at their place. Thank You!
*Warning* Eating
30 apples in one week may sound like a good idea, but it is expensive and tough
on the stomach and rear end. Average price of a bag of apples is $6, average
price of toilet paper is 62 cents per roll of toilet paper, price of baby
powder is $3, and price of baby wiped is $15 dollars. Bringing my total to
around fifty dollars. Wow. What a guy pays for pain!
PS, I lied. I never bought baby wipes or powder. However, I
thought about it a lot though. It probably would have been a good idea. So, all
in all, I still probably spent about 25 dollars. I hope this blog painted a
nice little picture for you.
Thanks for your time. I gotta run upstairs…
No comments:
Post a Comment