Lions and Tigers and Bears… Say what?!?

The day started out early. 5:00 a.m. early. Manny, the boys, and I were taking as #2 calls a “woah chip” (aka road trip) for his eye doctor appointment. We were as prepared as we could be to be stuck in the car for the entire day.

Now, if you haven’t traveled with two young children – especially for an entire day of being cooped up in a vehicle of any sort – I will tell you that any distractions are welcomed to keep the kiddos from turning into caged beasts in the back seat. (More on caged beasts – real ones, not kids – to come…) Hence, when we saw a large billboard touting a large “zoo” (I’m going to go ahead and use that term loosely) Manny and I were jazzed that we had something to give our kids to look forward to. Apparently the appeal of watching Yo Gabba Gabba 100 times in a row had worn off…

A quick Google search not only gave us driving directions, but also the website of said “zoo”. Turns out this was not just a run-of-the-mill petting zoo on the side of a highway. Oh, no. This place boasted lions, tigers, AND bears. Not sure what we’d find, we pulled up to a packed parking lot. So far, so good.

We go in, pay the entry fee, and head on into the reptile zone. The kids loved seeing the too-big-for-my-taste spiders and snakes, and Manny and I were secretly high-fiving the fact that we found this little gem on the side of the road. We head out the door for the outside portion of our visit and stumble upon a lovely trout pond. Cute!

Next to the trout pond was a fenced in area containing a kangaroo. Cool! But wait, is that kangaroo taking the world’s longest piss? Yup. Is he making eye contact with me while taking said piss? You betcha. In an attempt to prevent a “kids say the darndest things” moment, I quickly focus on the next cage.

“Look boys, it’s a Siberian tiger!” (I didn’t think I’d be mentioning those words when I woke up that morning…) We sauntered over and saw a tiger hanging out in a fence. A ceiling-free fence.

Now, when I say fence I mean like a chain-link fence that you’d find at Home Depot. Nothing special, or even electric for that matter. 

I saw the tiger and instantly felt my guard going up some (I have no clue how high a Siberian tiger can jump/climb, nor did I want to find out!) but I kept the fake “this is cool” voice going so as not to scare the children. (Or Manny.)

The next few cages contained a porcupine, raccoons, and a bunny. I could feel my guard sense coming down a bit. But then I saw a cage with a bear in it. It wasn’t Winnie the Pooh and it definitely wasn’t making me feel warm and fuzzy. That sucker weighed 700lbs and the only thing between us and him was a couple more “On Sale This Weekend at Mendard’s” chain link fences. Gah! I found myself thinking: “let’s keep moving along, we’ve got to be past the predators. I mean, we’ve seen a tiger and a freaking huge bear already. What more is left?”

The next cage had two huge African lions. Like, straight outta Lion King lions. And they were fighting like my kids do when they both want the Buzz Lightyear toy. We heard the growl from the really big kitty and faster than we could say “neat!” in a calm (but freaking out on the inside voice) big kitty charged the space between us and slammed right into the fence. We grabbed our kids and ran the other direction faster than lightening.

Can I just say that never in my wildest dreams would I think running towards a 700lb black bear would be my better option?!?

It’s MY turn to play with Buzz Lightyear!

After a brief crying episode (perhaps for both the kids and Manny), we ventured out into the fenced in petting zoo full of deer. We regained our calm, perhaps figuring that the large pen full of deer would make us a difficult target for the ginormous animals just a few yards away, and fed them ice cream cones full of seeds and other crap deer like to eat.

#2 seems a bit edgy over the encounter.

Perhaps he’s curious as to where Buzz Lightyear has disappeared to…

The deer were fed and our shoes full of deer poop, so we decided to head back to the car. But not before going back through the African wilderness. (Again, would have never guessed my day would take this kind of turn!) A brief stop at the lion pen (Drew’s request) and they still seemed pretty ticked at each other. The big black bear was roaming around his pen staring intently at my two-year old. And the tiger was jumping from the ground up to his perch. (Again, making me wonder how high can they jump?)

The last dude we had to say goodbye to before the Gagner family left the premises (forever), was that goofy kangaroo we saw on our way in. The boys started hopping up to the cage doing their best kangaroo impressions (clearly the events over the last 30 minutes hadn’t impacted them in a negative way).

It was then that the kangaroo looked them right in the eye, flopped on his back, and totally passed out for what looked like a really nice spot to take a nap. The only thing stopping me from taking a nap on one of the many “zoo” benches? The FREAKING lions, tigers, and bears.

“Can I interest you in a beer? They say it’s the hair of the dog.”

Until next time BD&LLers!

(Note: to cover my bases I will not comment on what the name of this place is, nor will I pretend to be a PETA/anti-PETA advocate. I’m just a mom that needs a nap.)