From what I’ve been told, life is all about experiencing new things. Ever hear that quote, “You never know unless you try”? There are things in life that you try and think to yourself, “Wow am I an idiot for even attempting this” yet you think, “but I’m going to try it again next year!”
My exact thoughts about a new experience I had the privilege of trying last week at the Clearwater County Fair in Bagley, Minnesota -- DONKEY RACING!
My exact thoughts about a new experience I had the privilege of trying last week at the Clearwater County Fair in Bagley, Minnesota -- DONKEY RACING!
(Not actually the author of this blog)
That’s right kids, when you think you should always fit in by doing the cool things in life, try riding a donkey. Not only is it not cool, but you can embarrass yourself in front of family, friends and hundreds of others you don’t even know by forming a team that will take part in not just a plain old race, but a main attraction known to the fair as a Grand Stand Event. If you’ve been to any type of local county fair, you know what I’m talking about. If not, I can explain it to you like this:
At the fair you probably think rides; cotton candy; games where you win huge stuffed animal; carnies that smell like cabbage; all kinds of food on a stick; 4-H exhibits; barnyard animals and so on. Well at the grandstand events, at this fair in particular they had Gospel Night on the Wednesday evening; Monster Truck Racing on the Friday evening; Saturday afternoon & evening it was a pick up and tractor pull and Sunday finished off with one of the most popular events at the fair when it comes to entertainment, the Demolition Derby; simplified for the folks who don’t like to use big words as, the “Demo”. Oh yeah, I forgot Thursday night! That was the night my life changed forever. Well, not really, but I was starting to get a little nervous about this wild ride we were about to embark on.
Donkey Racing was the new thing this year at the fair for a grandstand event and boy did it go over well! They had a huge crowd for it and five teams of ten, equalling fifty participants to go along with the volunteers who were there as “poop patrol” to clean up the track after each heat.
I received a call from one of the fair board members, my friend Mark who gave me a very short version of how this was going to be executed and that they needed some teams to be formed in order to make this show go. He asked if I would have a radio station team participate where I thought, “this will be cool and fun!” Was it cool and fun? It was fun watching the other participants get whipped around by donkeys, bucked into the air and fall flat on their ass (not the donkey) or get a donkey punch that almost connected in a bad spot for a man. Was it cool and fun when we were actually the ones participating? I’d say yes but change the wording just a bit from cool and fun, to different and painful.
Donkey Racing was the new thing this year at the fair for a grandstand event and boy did it go over well! They had a huge crowd for it and five teams of ten, equalling fifty participants to go along with the volunteers who were there as “poop patrol” to clean up the track after each heat.
I received a call from one of the fair board members, my friend Mark who gave me a very short version of how this was going to be executed and that they needed some teams to be formed in order to make this show go. He asked if I would have a radio station team participate where I thought, “this will be cool and fun!” Was it cool and fun? It was fun watching the other participants get whipped around by donkeys, bucked into the air and fall flat on their ass (not the donkey) or get a donkey punch that almost connected in a bad spot for a man. Was it cool and fun when we were actually the ones participating? I’d say yes but change the wording just a bit from cool and fun, to different and painful.
Never in my right mind did I imagine that a donkey would be so strong, so fast and so smart. Especially the one I was on. I guess the name Hemorrhoid fit pretty well with this particular donkey. Some people were worried prior to the show that there would be an issue with PETA … there wasn’t. There was an issue with my donkey though known as PITA (Pain In The Ass). He literally was. I never knew your butt could become so bruised.
Not only did Hemorrhoid beat the crap out of me in the limited time I was actually “riding”, but he mocked me. He would buck me off - the first time, he timed it out just right. Just as CJ the ass clown who was announcing yelled “GO!!” good ole Hemorrhoid knew it was time to wait for this stupid human to leap into the air legs spread and just as he’s landing, let ‘er buck! He bucked so hard my head went backwards, my body went up in the air and I landed flat on my back. Keep this in mind: This was on a gravel track, so there were some rocks laying around and it definitely wasn’t comparable to a nice, comfortable bed like you’d find at a Budget Host Inn.
Not only did Hemorrhoid beat the crap out of me in the limited time I was actually “riding”, but he mocked me. He would buck me off - the first time, he timed it out just right. Just as CJ the ass clown who was announcing yelled “GO!!” good ole Hemorrhoid knew it was time to wait for this stupid human to leap into the air legs spread and just as he’s landing, let ‘er buck! He bucked so hard my head went backwards, my body went up in the air and I landed flat on my back. Keep this in mind: This was on a gravel track, so there were some rocks laying around and it definitely wasn’t comparable to a nice, comfortable bed like you’d find at a Budget Host Inn.
Like any champion donkey rider (or in my case, sixth place finisher) I got back up, sprinted after that smart ass as fast as I could when low and behold, one of the things CJ told me after our radio interview in regards to racing: “If you have to run after your donkey, make sure you’re aware that they can stop on a dime; and if you’re still running, they won’t hesitate to kick you….really hard.
He may look like he’s enjoying it, but deep down, it hurts
And in your case, that could mean your sack of marbles may crumble.” Sure enough, he was right! Hemorrhoid never connected, but he ran and I chased...he stopped on a dime and gave a good kick with both hind legs and just missed a section of the body that would have brought back horrible memories of a high school football injury my senior year in Waubun. I’m thinking it would have taken a little longer to regain consciousness after this mishap, though.
After a lot of chasing and not much riding, I did at least come away with something from our heat of riders. I was nominated & chosen for “Roughest Ride” in that race. Didn’t make the finals, only the top two (KJ & Andy) did. I can honestly and confidently express that Hemorrhoid and I started off our first meeting as rivals, not friends. We shared a kiss prior to the race, but that didn’t seem to mean anything to him at all. CJ told me he would respond better if you’d kiss your ass before the race … maybe he was talking about something else…
After a lot of chasing and not much riding, I did at least come away with something from our heat of riders. I was nominated & chosen for “Roughest Ride” in that race. Didn’t make the finals, only the top two (KJ & Andy) did. I can honestly and confidently express that Hemorrhoid and I started off our first meeting as rivals, not friends. We shared a kiss prior to the race, but that didn’t seem to mean anything to him at all. CJ told me he would respond better if you’d kiss your ass before the race … maybe he was talking about something else…
(Nor is this the author of this blog)
My back, shoulders, neck, arms and legs are pretty much back to normal almost a week after the event. No matter how much pain or agony this was, I will be back. I want revenge on this Hemorrhoid. I truly believe he is nicer than he was that night. I supposed I’d be angry too if someone was attempting to jump on my back when I was trying to eat supper.
Clearwater County Fair 2015 - Bagley, MN - It’s on like Donkey Kong!
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